Like Meth Through The Trailer Park, So Are The Days Of Our Wally World Lives

Since 11/2004, I have been working for the corporate office. I did not post any updates when working in that position. I have now returned in July of 2005 to work in the store. I hated the position at corporate as a field support technician.

07-18-2005 - I saw the gates of hell, and I did not like it. I have now returned to what I consider to be one of the many tentacles of this beast that extends back to the Midwest.

07-18-2005 -One of the everyday happenings at Wally World I had forgotten about, or blocked out, were the screaming children. Those memories quickly came flooding back in.

07-19-2005 - I overheard a conversation in the break room. An associate said something about wanting to go in to restaurant management. A guy who works in the automotive area said that they shouldn't because those managers will soon be replaced by robots. He was serious. Although, to be honest, I wouldn't expect anything more intelligent than that to come out of the mouth of someone who works in the automotive area of a Wally World.

07-23-2005 - It's amazing what people can successfully market. From Larry the Cable Guy, to a singing wall mounted bass fish. Now they actually have a mounted deer head that sings and moves its mouth. You would think people would realize how dumb these things are, but apparently the welfare recipients who utilize the layaway department find them absolutely critical to survive because they are all over in the layaway bins. These people vote.

07-24-2005 - Fat people. There sure are a lot of them.

07-24-2005 - I have seen death, and it wears floral print shirts, old lady shoes and is a cashier.

07-27-2005 - So an associate took a shit in the family restroom, which only has one toilet. He came out and said "There's no toilet paper left in there." and walked off. I thought about it for a second and realized the odds of him just happening to have the exact amount of toilet paper he needed was pretty slim. He walked off and went back to work, but I'm convinced his ass was not cleansed.

7-28-2005 - I helped an old Amish looking couple find an electric skillet. They inquired about the brand of the skillet and how it was. The lady working the department chimed in and said "It's a good brand, and it's made in the USA too." I found that to be unbelievable, so I checked the box. While the profits are probably made in the USA , the product is made in China . I knew Wally World wouldn't sell anything made here. That would cost the consumer extra money and create American jobs, and Americans are too lazy to work.

07-30-2005 - I followed a fat associate I supervise for about 45 minutes. During that time he did not do a single thing that could be considered productive. Thus, my theory has been proven that fat people suck.

07-30-2005 - This was said by a customer and I'm pretty sure it was the first and last time I will ever hear it. "This is great, a wally world with no lines at the registers."

08-02-2005 - I am once again in search of a job. I hope it doesn't take as long as it did last time to find one. What's sad is that I turned down a couple of opportunities so that I could go work for the corporate office. At the time, I thought it was a better long term career move. I'm going to kick myself in the ass forever on that one. Chalk it up to retardedness I guess. Now I'm desperate enough to do asbestos removal and get cancer if the pay is right. I'll deal with the consequences later and just get a lawyer to sue someone. Man, that's a good idea.

08-05-2005 - I have been back for a few weeks now and have already cleaned up human urine, vomit, and pickle relish. All of these messes were on the sales floor, not the bathroom.

08-07-2005 - It is my opinion, that if you are a recipient of WIC (Women Infants and Children) which is a program that gives free food to mothers of children, and you bitch about what you are getting, you and your children deserve to starve. WIC is a program where people get FREE food and drink. They don't have to do anything for it, they just get it for free. I don't consider myself prejudice or racist, but most of the recipients of this program are foreign, many of whom do not speak English. Somehow, it becomes my job to go do their shopping for them when they can't find the right kind of free cheese, then they bitch when I take too long. I'm sorry I took so long to go fetch the cheese for you that me and my fellow tax payers are fitting the bill for. Where do you sign up for this free government funded shit, I want in on one of these programs.

08-07-2005 - A cashier asked to go home early. I told her it was a pretty slim possibility, since we were busy. Soon after that, another CSM sent a cashier to cover her register so she could go to a fifteen minute break. The cashier automatically assumed we were sending her home early, turned her money in and thanked us for letting her go. Myself and the other CSM kind of looked at each other as the cashier walked off to go clock out to go home. She was just supposed to take a fifteen minute break, but neither of us had the heart to tell her it was just a break, so she went home.

08-08-2005 - So I still consider myself pretty new to these people at this store. Since I left, the whole cast of characters at this store seems to have changed, except for band camp of course. One girl cries a lot. She is either emotionally disturbed, or wants attention and out of work. From what I understand, she has had about seven grandmas die. Today she came in crying like crazy, and she even had her hands flailing over her head for dramatic effect like one of the Sims. I still don't know what her deal was; I can't say that I really care either.

08-08-2005 - Since I have been gone, I had forgotten about how much people talk to you about their personal problems when you are a CSM. I think they have forgotten or are misinformed about how little I give a shit.

08-10-2005 - The fat kid I followed and didn't work quit. He often complained about his knees hurting and would have to go home. My knees would hurt too if I were that fat. I'm just saying some action on a treadmill wouldn't hurt.

08-13-2005 - I have the song "Nothing going to stop us now" in my head. Piece of shit song from the 80s by Jefferson Starship seems to play every 30 seconds on the Wally World Television network.

08-14-2005 - I watched a passing shopper arguing with herself. I thought she was on a cell phone, but she was not. Maybe she thought she was.

08-15-2005 - While shopping for some groceries after work Band Camp realized who my girlfriend was and gave her a thumbs up. Of course, she was wearing her black pumps and white socks.

08-17-2005 - What's really funny about my position is that management constantly tries to change procedures and rules in an effort to clean things up. What's funny is that we all know that manager will be terminated/transferred/promoted in a matter of months. The turnover for associates is incredibly high for this place, so we work with new people all the time and revert back to how we like to do things soon enough. At least until the next new manager shows up to declare themselves the new sheriff in town.

08-18-2005 - Turns out that since I left, a new rule has been implemented. A CSM can not tell a customer no. So if you bring in a pile of dog shit and say it used to be a television and want $120 refunded back to you, I have to call one of my managers and have them come tell you that we can not take it back. Apparently, we are not capable of determining if the pile of shit used to be a television or not. It's a shame, because telling a customer no is one of the few things I enjoy.

08-26-2005 - As I returned to the front of the store from electronics I noticed something odd about a lady I could see in the distance. As I got closer, I realized she only had one arm, and she was wearing a tank top. Once I got even closer, I realized that she had a tattoo on her stump, where the arm should be. It looked like Grumpy, the dwarf from Snow White, except that Grumpy was missing an arm as well. The dwarf had a name, which was also tattooed on her arm, it said "Stumpy" in cursive writing. It reminded me of the midget with the tattoo of an oompa loompa smoking a joint.

08-27-2005 - Saw a guy with a mullet wearing jean shorts and Oakley’s. The funny thing about people like that is that they're making an attempt to look cool. Most people with mullets have them because they don't seem to care one way or the other what you think of them. It makes me laugh when someone tries to look cool and make themselves that ridiculous.

08-27-2005 - Some fat and probably sexually frustrated man in the pharmacy department bitched because we required that his telephone number and address be written on his check that he was writing. He claims that no other place in town requires anything other than his name be written on his personal checks and that we are putting him at risk for identity theft. Here's a thought, if I could steal someone's identity using just a name and address, then I would just go pick up a phone book and never pay for my own porn again. I also bet he's one of the fucks that gets an e-mail from Nigeria alerting to his inheritance from some millionare and he sends them his banking information.

08-27-2005 - There is a manager I am not familiar with, but I think the vest I wear completes more work then she does. Also, my vest isn't so ugly that it is offensive. It's amazing to me that pigs can learn to walk on two feet.

09-01-2005 - Off in the distance I saw an old man on an electric cart, which is always a sign of imminent craziness. He drove to the podium where I was standing, and as he got closer I saw how crazy he really was. He was dressed as the captain of a boat, with a hat, and some sort of rope around his neck like he was from the show Gilligan's Island. He started saying some mindless babble about something, and then he started to get out of his cart, slowly but surely, because he was old. He then says "I forgot my pant size, can you look and see what size my pants are?" He turned around so his back was to me, and pulled his pants away from himself so I could look down and read the tag. Me being a chump, I looked. I don't want to talk about what I saw, it hurts. I will say that I could see his tag, but couldn't read it and there is no way I was going to go digging in there. I told him I couldn't read it and sent him to the fitting room for further assistance. I wasn't amused, but my manager found it to be hysterical.

09-04-2005 - So one of Nandy's friends, Crandon, apparently is not to happy about how I handled that whole situation. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, read the story and the poem I wrote on the matter. The Tale of the Dirty Whore
The Everlasting Cocksucker

I'm not sure if he got some misinformation, or is really that upset about what I wrote on my site, but he gets off by going out of his way to glare at me whenever he gets the chance. So the glaring thing has been going on for more than a month now, and we finally cross paths when nobody is around and he gets an opportunity to say something to me. He's had several weeks to think about what to say if such a situation should present itself. Today, he had the chance, and here's what he said.... "Faggot." Brilliant. It took weeks of thought to come up with that. Pretty much exactly what I would expect someone from the automotive area of the store to say, except it would usually be preceded by "fuckin." I just shrugged my shoulders and kept walking. The funny thing is that I never said anything about him. I hung out with him and his wife a couple of times but they were bland and boring. Since I never had an issue with him, I decided not to post information about him that I read in Nandy's journal, but now I may feel inclined to do so.

09-07-2005 - I have never had a membership at Sam’s Club before. I got one today, and guess who I found working there. Turns out that Evil Band Camp girl is employed there and was passing out free samples of food towards the back of the store in the foods area. What samples you ask? I avoided eye contact with her at all costs, so I'm not sure, but you could not pay me enough to put anything she had prepared in to my system.

09-13-2005 - The overly emotional girl from 08-08-2005 got proposed to. It happened at Wally World, while she was working at her register. It came from some goon that looks like a mix between a Ku Klux Klan member and a baboon. Right as it was about to happen, I went home. I wasn't in the mood to watch the beginning of a massive emotional train wreck.

09-15-2005 - Band Camp called me over to her register. When I arrived, she explained that she had lost some part of her belly button ring and needed to go to her locker. I told her to just go do it, and I would take over her register while she took care of it. She kept explaining over and over what had happened, because she is Band Camp and that is what she does. I started to get nervous because I thought she was going to show me her belly button, but thankfully she finally left.

09-15-2005 - We keep a donation jar at the entrance of the store for hurricane Katrina victims. A guy came in and stole it. They caught him hiding in a car wash nearby, and they found a crack pipe on him.

09-17-2005 - I got called to Band Camp's register again. Someone was writing a check for $18.00 but their identification did not match with the name on the check. The customer explained that it was her mother and that she had power of attorney. I told her we would take the check this time since it was a low dollar amount, but that she would need to get the name on the check, or bring her power of attorney papers next time. The lady and her husband flipped out and said that was ridiculous. I asked them this question, "So if someone stole your checks and came in here and wrote a high dollar check claiming to have POA, I should just take it?" There reply to was "OH COME ON!" So I went on and tried to justify why they needed identification, but they just kept saying "OH COME ON!" over and over again. I guess they're right, I mean, this is America and no sort of fraud goes on here.

09-17-2005 - A mentally handicapped man tried to write a check, but the system declined it. How do you tell a retarded man that you can't take his check?

09-19-2005 - Two fat associates are upset with me. Nobody cares though, because they're fat, dumb, and ugly. One is so fat, that she is 8 months pregnant, and I had no idea. I should have assumed she was pregnant though, because dumb ugly people are always reproducing.

09-19-2005 - A bad storm came through and we lost power at the store. This is not all that uncommon, and the store has backup power that we run on, but this time was different. The power was off for two and a half hours, and it was amazing. The backup lights eventually went off and it was completely dark in Wally World. Me and some other CSMs were gathering the money from the registers and returning it to accounting and went to the Halloween register. As we were getting the money in the darkness with just flashlights, a display skeleton descended and started making crazy noises and lighting up. It scared the hell out of us.

09-24-2005 - The dramatic cashier was over reacting about her supposed stomach pains, so her boyfriend/fiancé came to pick her up and threw his hands over his head in a dramatic fashion too. He was getting worked up because he was worried about her and did not know where she had gone. Although the acting is just as bad, your life is not a soap opera. There have not been any outbreaks of a flesh eating virus that causes stomach pains recently, calm down.

09-25-2005 - It was pouring down rain, so a couple of ladies pulled their minivan to the front of the store to load their groceries there. Between the building and the van, there were several carts that were left by customers, which created a huge wall for anyone coming to this entrance from the east. A guy and his two children were trying to get in, and get out of the rain. The man politely asked the lady loading the groceries to have the driver move the van up a couple of feet so that they could get by and in to the store. The lady looked at the man with a blank stare for a second, and then went back to loading her groceries with saying anything. The man became visibly upset and yelled "MOVE THE VAN!" The lady driving the van yelled back, "SHUT UP!" The man then said, "Enough of this!" He grabbed one of the carts in his way, and slammed it in to the ladies van, which left a nice ding on the side of the vehicle. Him and his two kids then walked in to the store. I happened to be standing there trying clear up the carts and did not say anything. Hey, he asked her nicely once and they insulted him. I think he handled the situation perfectly.

10-01-2005 - The dramatic cashier is pregnant. What a lucky kid that will be.

10-04-2005 - There's this overnight manager that I call "Jizz." She seems to get around the store a lot. It amazes me how many people I hear that she has slept with, because assistant managers work a lot of hours, so she must have excellent time management skills. The funny thing is, she is pretty ugly, and she looks like the witch from Robin Hood: Men in Tights. I would drink nuclear waste before I touched her, but some of the other managers apparently feel differently. Rumor is that she is a meth head, but I have no proof and it's just what people say about her. That's Wally World for you, always low standards, always.

10-14-2005 - Today I received my annual review. It all went well, lots of the boxes were checked as "exceed." I do a lot of extra stuff that other people with my position don't. Most of the guy CSMs push carts when needed, a couple of the girls do also on occasion, but it's usually the guys. Until I started working another job, I did scheduling and maintained the front end equipment. Once we got to the end of my review, the overall rating I received was a "Meets Expectations." This is because none of the CSMs are allowed to get an exceeds due to an issue that happened when I was not even in that position. So as a result, all of us are being lumped in to one group. Anyone who works for Wally World, knows that one of their three basic beliefs that are posted all throughout the store is "Respect for the Individual." They should change it to "Respect for the payroll" since that is what it comes down to.

When you get a review at Wally World, you get one of three ratings:

1. Below Expectations - No raise, and you eventually get evaluated again within a few months. Generally, you have to have a written coaching on file to receive this rating.
2. Meets Expectations - What category most people fall in to and you get a .40 cent raise.
3. Exceeds Expectations - The rating a few get, and you get a .55 cent raise.

This is the review system used for all hourly associates. So basically, if you have a cashier that comes in and is friendly, dependable, and knowledgeable about things, they get a "Meets" rating. If you have a cashier that barely does enough to keep their job, calls in sick a lot, and is rude to customers, they get the same "Meets" rating. Unless of course they have a coaching on file and receive a "below" rating, but this is very rare. So where's the incentive to be a good associate? When it comes down to it, at Wally World you are not evaluated as an individual, but as a column A person or a column B person. Next time you're a pissed off customer due to your poor service, understand that the associate who is treating you like shit will receive the same review as someone who takes care of you. I don't even give a shit about the .15, I have another job that pays and treats me better. If I wanted to, I could go bitch to management and they would adjust it, they always do for anyone who does. However, it's the principle of it all that gets me. This is a company that does hundreds of billions of dollars in sales each year as a corporation and our store alone does around one hundred million annually, but they can't afford to pay an extra $0.15 an hour to associates who have earned it. When that smiley face isn't on television chopping up prices for the consumer, it's spending most of it's time cutting down payroll. You know, it's the sort of thing that could make an associate look in to the idea of getting union representation. Watch out for falling wages.

10-23-2005 - I got called to the service desk to talk to a customer about an associate they had dealt with. The lady was so happy with a grocery associate's service, that she was crying tears of joy. I swear I'm not lying.

10-23-2005 - A Hispanic lady complained about her cashier. However, she complained through her six year old kid because she did not speak English. Man, the sound of frustration and anger is really lost by the time the message is communicated to you through a six your old kid.

10-25-2005 - So I have been catching some shit lately because I haven't been going to work much lately. Here's the thing about that, I don't really care. I'm currently working another job full time doing computer stuff. As for Wally World, well I'm sticking around there for a little while. In about a month I'll get three weeks of vacation time I can cash in on and will be 100% vested in profit sharing. Wally World is just a secondary income now and I only work there once a week. When I say I work there once a week, it means I'm scheduled once a week. This means I may or may not show up. People get upset about it, but I honestly could give a shit at this point. I have served my years of dedicated service to numerous nimrod managers, customers, and employees who have seemingly failed at life. The real question now is if I should stay part time for awhile, or quit in a month. For a long time I have had to hold back a lot of my thoughts from this site that might offend fellow employees, due to the popularity it has gained over the years. I don't think that is going to happen now.

10-29-2005 - After a productive night at the bars here in this college town, I elected not to go in to work the next morning. I didn't bother calling them to let them know either. Initially, I didn't feel bad about it and thought it was kind of funny, but then I learned they called someone in who had the day off. If I had known they would do that to a perfectly good associate, I would have thought twice. In my day, if someone called in it was not a big deal, they always schedule too many CSMs as it is, and if there aren't enough to cover breaks and lunches, management covers it. However, we all know how worthless management can be, and they certainly were on this day.

11-02-2005 - After my nifty stunt on 10-29, I learned that a co-manager was very upset with me. I naturally assumed I would be written up the next time I worked, no big deal. I haven't been written up in years, so who cares. Here's the funny thing, I only work Saturdays, because of my other job. I requested off November 5th to do some drinking at what they call "breakfast club" near Purdue's campus during the home football games. The weekend after that they did not schedule me, that would be November 12. As of right now, I just want to get to my anniversary date of November 16 so that I can be 100% vested in profit sharing, and get an additional 3 weeks of vacation time. So potentially, I will never have to work at Wally World again. I was informed today that my name no longer appears on the schedule though, which could mean I have been fired or placed on leave of absence. I find it hard to believe though, since I have not been contacted by the company to indicate such a change. There are some really damning things that I am just itching to say about some people right now, but I will wait and see how things pan out over the next couple of weeks.

11-15-2005 - This actually happened a few weeks ago and I forgot about it. One of our cart pushers was asked out on a date by our people greeter. She is probably 30-40 years old, and is pretty much a disaster. She has pissed herself while greeting, she gimps, is retarded, and wears her half-inch thick glasses very crooked. If this girl walked up to you on the street, you would think she just walked away from a car accident where she hit a brick wall going 70mph, but she looks like that all the time. Needless to say, this was a hilarious news flash to me. I offered him money to actually take her out, and he seemed to even toy with the idea of doing it and having someone videotape it for awhile, but it never happened. We could have run with the idea, he could have started a television series where he dated dysfunctional Wally World girls.

11-19-2005 - Today was my last official day with the company. I was scheduled to work 10am to 7pm. I worked until about 12:30pm and decided to leave. I left unceremoniously and returned my vest and discount card, although I still have extra vests and nametags that I have collected over the years, and even a spare nametag. As it turns out, the co-manager that was angry with me, I call her LaQueefa, needed to talk to me. I had no idea why, but there was a possibility that I was going to be demoted and lose a significant amount of my hourly wage. If I had allowed that to happen, then the vacation time that I wanted to use up before leaving would have been worth less money. So rather then let it happen, I just left. Apparently, LaQueefa was just going to write me up. What for? I have no idea.

Here's the thing about LaQueefa, she's a bitch. She has an ass that is so big that the Chinese might accidentally land on it when trying to make their first moon landing. I would really hate to see one of those craters. She also has an attitude to match. If a 747 needed to make an emergency landing, it could land on her enormous ass. She is very controlling, so much that I'm not sure what area of the store she is actually assigned to. This is because she has her hand in anything and everything. She has communication issues too. I'll give her the fact that she has initiative to get things done, but she is certainly not open to any sort of suggestions. If you ask her a question or suggest something, her answer generally does not pertain to your question or idea. It is kind of like watching a politician do an interview on a political news television program. While I'm on the issue of attacking management, since I don't work there anymore, let me touch on the store manager. I have heard from numerous sources, independent from one another, about this man. He is married with a child, I think there is only one kid, but I could be wrong. He also has a girlfriend on the side. Does his wife know about this? Good question, for all I know it's a three way relationship, maybe he is a Mormon. Here's the funny part, and I swear I am not making this up. His girlfriend is a store manager I call Fluzy at another Wally World in a nearby town. It's a sick little society within the clutches of the self-proclaimed "family store." If the district managers were to check security tapes, I bet they would find that both of those store managers have cut out early on the same Friday nights even though all store managers are supposed to work until close on Friday nights.

After seven years and three days, my Wally World career is officially over. I have seen a lot of stuff and have a completely different outlook on the world since I started. Some of that comes with getting older, but a lot of it has to do with seeing people behave in ways one could never imagine. I went on to work for JC Penney as a computer guy for a few months, and enjoyed not working in a store serving customers. I worked there from September 2005 to February of 2006. So for a period of time, I was working two jobs. I work for a company now that makes steel castings as a computer programmer. As for some of the people I have made mention of throughout the years:

The Snack Bar Nazis: I don't think I ever actually called them Nazis, but I got a lot of e-mails referring to them as such. I only called one of them “Hitler.” They closed the snack bar, and there is a Subway there now. The employees there were scattered throughout the store to different departments. They warmed up to me after awhile and the issue went away.

Band Camp Girl: She has applied to be a CSM a few times. She is still a cashier, probably always will be. She is just as annoying as ever and still rolls her eyes back in her head when she thinks too hard. She still can't buy a clue and realize I can't stand her, despite my best efforts. Her latest interest is to talk about her characters in The Sims as if they were her actual children. She has pictures that she gets developed in the photo department. There still are not enough drugs and alcohol in the world to make her tolerable.

Lone Ranger Man, Bandana Man, Master of the Universe, and others: Several of these crazy characters just showed up one or two days. After a couple of appearances, these types would generally just disappear. I have no idea what happened to them, but I'm sure they would be great stories if I had them.

The Wandering Manger AKA Demon AKA Master of the Obvious: Well liked to this day by most other members of management. He is a co-manager at another store across town. He is still hated by most associates working underneath him. Some things never change, especially in retail.

The badass from Texas: Living in Arkansas with Vavoof and his girlfriend. He exists mostly in the form of a character in World of Warcraft and has seemed to turn his back on reality. He got lasik eye surgery, and I think he did it for the sole purpose of improving his video game skills. If you're lucky, you can catch a rare glimpse of him on his Jet Ski on Lake Beaver when he emerges from his bedroom.

Evil Band Camp Girl: As noted in a post, last I saw her she was handing out samples in a frozen food department of a Sam's Club.

Bird Man: Last I knew, he was working at Taco Bell. When eating there on lunch, he was making his bird noises for a little girl in line. She appeared uninterested.

The Drunken Rantor (author of all illustrations): He also did Pirate Pete and Samurai Steve which are still available on this site. He is living with his fiance and child in Arkansas. Last I knew, he was working on a project to make a boat out of PVC pipe.

Toilet Gump: I think he was fired a long time ago. I don't remember why.

LaQueefa: Probably trying to get a zoning permit for her ass and operating for an airline as an emergency landing strip.

I hope that some of these people are choking down a spoonfull of asbestos and others I wish well. Through the duration of maintaining this page, I was never contacted by a lawyer personally. Although one from the corporate headquarters contacted my store manager.

If you want to know about anybody else, drop me a line and I'll be happy to update this page. Although, put simply, I just don't know what became of some of them. If my wishes came true, most of them are drowning in a sea of their own vomit and urine. Take my advice, don't work for Wally World.

The End

"I'm not happy. I'm not happy." Nobody's happy, ok!? Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm. That's it, ok! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to fucking work, ok!? That is it! End of fucking list! - Denis Leary

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